Men Want Options. They Just Hate When Women Have Them Too.

India Elting Robert
3 hours ago
4 min read

Dating wasn’t always so drawn out. With the rise of social media has come the notion that we have all the time in the world to decide, date around, and settle. The next day is never guaranteed, and although it's good to take your time getting to know someone, people might not be around forever. I think men especially fail to understand that their options might not always be there. When I lived in Paris, I was dating a guy who decided to stop seeing me in the Spring. After the Summer, I moved back to the United States. He wouldn't stop texting me; I’d receive drawn-out messages from him in the middle of the night or on holidays. It was incredibly confusing because I thought, why now?

And then I realised, this is how the virtual world is set up. If someone sees you on their timeline, they assume you'll always be reachable. It never dawned on him that I would cross an ocean to go back to my homeland. Sometimes the plethora of choices is really an illusion.

It stressed him out for months that I had moved to another country, and eventually, I had to block him. The decision wasn't made lightly, but I couldn't handle whatever crisis he was having. I don't know why, but I think men sometimes forget that women are mobile. We can take a new job, move to a new city, or get a new boyfriend in a matter of weeks. Try as they might, you can't just put a girl in your back pocket. To save a girl for later can be to lose her forever. Men want what they can't have, and the problem is, they often think they'll always have you.

Before this French man had reached out to me in early June, I had passed him in the Place Des Vosges. Minding my own business, I glanced over and saw him. He looked so much smaller than I remembered as he looked up at me, and despite being 6”2, he seemed much more delicate. I turned away as my friends called to me and ran into the safety of their presence. It felt bizarre. I had been enamoured with this man. To me, I had found that European romance I had moved to Paris searching for. But when that shattered, and he decided to leave, something in me shifted. I thought, what am I doing? Giving my power away to this petite French man. I think that shift in mindset and ability to blow him off was frightening. He started to panic. Unfortunately for him, you can't put a girl on hold and expect her to stay on the line.

"If a man ghosted you, ended the situationship, or decided to leave in some way, he doesn't get to run it back when he sees you've moved on. I feel like we as women need to have more backbone so men can be held accountable." - a readers response

The consensus among my friends is that they always come back. Sometimes they beg and grovel for months after ending what is often a short-lived situationship. What doesn't want you initially may stalk you for the rest of your life. The best thing to do is start with boundaries. The guys who just want to mess around will filter themselves out. It's a path that requires far more patience, but reaps greater reward. All around me, I see women settling for subpar men and mediocre relationships because they don't want to take the time to find someone who's a true match. As someone who struggles with impatience, I get it. But you don't want to be 45 with screaming children in the home while your man is nowhere to be found. Putting in the work is exhausting and scary, but staying with the same man because it's too frightening to explore could be tragic for you in the end. So before you find a dating app on his phone and accept his excuses, or distract yourself from thinking about how he turned off his location, remember what you deserve.

"There's something powerful about doing nothing for a man, especially in the beginning of a relationship. It gives you such a clear idea of who this person really is and what they can bring to the table." - a readers response

My friend Sydney Bosley discussed her parallel experience after moving to Paris:

"My first relationship here was with a Dutch guy I met on Hinge who love-bombed me for two weeks. Then he completely switched. It was a genuinely heartbreaking experience, and he never actually let go. I still hear from him now and then with an "I miss you" or something of the sort. It seems men nowadays want to hold onto you, but don't want the full responsibility and commitment of being in a relationship. It's sad, but this has only inspired me to prioritize myself and my female friendships over anything else."

Unfortunately for these men, you can't have your cake and eat it too. So pick a cake, or get the hell out of the cake shop.