The Pick-Me Girl Isn't The Problem, But You Just Might Be...

Alba Leao
7 hours ago
4 min read

The Internet loves a pick-me girl, but somewhere along the way, we forgot that policing other women was never the point. Recently, my friend asked in the group chat. “Can you trust a girl who has no female friends?” I sat with the question for a while. Unsure where I stood.

It’s true that finding a stable, healthy group of friends isn’t always easy. Some women might be having a hard time finding it, or are only beginning to find their people. Others genuinely seem to prefer the company of men.

And then, the pick-me girl came to mind. Almost instinctively. As natural as breathing. Which I think scared me more. The reaction in the group chat was one of collective caution. As if a woman without female friends can be trusted, but only after a thorough investigation. Surely, there must be something wrong with her, we all thought.

I couldn’t help noticing how quickly the label appeared. Before we knew anything about this hypothetical woman, we’d already diagnosed her.

Maybe because it seems difficult to imagine navigating life without a small council of women who understand exactly what you’re talking about without needing pages of context. For me, and I think for many women, female friends anchor the boat. A must-have place to discuss and complain about everything that’s going right or wrong in every other aspect. That kind of intimacy feels irreplaceable, but maybe it isn’t. Or maybe it is. Either way, it doesn’t deserve the stigma we’ve attached to it.

That doesn’t excuse the comments, the ones about how much makeup another woman is wearing, how overdressed she is, or how contrary to others, she would never wear those heels. Those remarks are condescending and hurtful. But publicly branding someone isn’t generous either.

As I asked the others in the group chat about their opinion, I wondered if, by the very definition of it, (a girl that wants to be chosen by men), aren’t we all pick-me girls as well? Since I’m sure many of us have secretly hoped we’d be the girl the cute guy at the bar notices. What exactly separates a pick-me girl from an “ordinary woman” who wants to be liked? We might be judging from a moral high ground while forgetting that the desire to be chosen is something we’ve all been taught.

Ironically enough, someone who is seen as prioritizing male attention and male approval above everything else isn’t even particularly valued by the very people she’s supposedly trying to impress. Interestingly, many men also express discomfort with women who only have male friends. A pick-me girl might be just another pseudo-feminist way to mock, bully, or publicly shame other women that stems from the very same misogyny feminism is trying to dismantle.

This isn’t an argument against male friendship. If anything, having both women and men in your life exposes you to different ways of understanding the world. Men, whether they are justified or not, often seem to approach situations with a simplicity that women sometimes don’t. I always think about the moment in Sex and the City when Aidan tells Miranda that the man just “wasn’t that into her”, and it completely changes how she sees the situation.

Maybe surrounding ourselves exclusively with the same perspectives can reinforce our own biases, and perhaps, we would all be a little bit more tolerant if we genuinely listened to both genders.

We often talk as though we’re witnessing two opposing cultural forces: an epidemic of pick-me girls on one side and a movement for women’s empowerment on the other. But perhaps they’re not opposites at all. Maybe the first is simply proof of how much work the latter still has to do.

What’s even more revealing is what happens when the label is applied to men. A pick-me boy isn’t used to describe a man who has no male friends. But instead, one who performs sensitivity or adopts traits stereotypically associated with women to manipulate them into sleeping with them.

Jemima Kirke wrote for Elle: “There’s a serious lack of empathy for “male-centered” women coming from other women at the moment. I’m assuming that most of us, especially the ones who have “de-centered” themselves, are familiar with that struggle. And if you’re not, try to recall a time when you were stuck in a self-destructive pattern that felt impossible to get out of. Even when given the tools.”

When I read that, something clicked. We’re not born loving other women. Female solidarity isn’t instinctive. Neither is feminism.

These are ideas that need to be taught, or at the very least, that must be learnt. Maybe, some women haven’t reached the place where the male gaze stops being the most important thing in the room, or where they genuinely feel at peace watching other women shine. It’s a journey, and not everyone arrives at the same time.

Like slut, easy or even emotional, the pick-me girl slur has become another convenient category to sort women into good and bad. Another attempt to sabotage the very freedom we claim to be fighting for. It reinforces the idea that women should constantly measure themselves against one another, that our value lies not only in how men see us, but in proving we’re better than the woman standing next to us. When in reality, we should be sticking up for each other.

I really don’t think it’s our job to police other women. For that, the patriarchy has always been more than willing to volunteer.