Your 20s Are Not for Finding Yourself. They're for Screwing Up.

Everyone has a different vision of what their 20s will look like. Some imagine being married, some imagine owning a house, and others dream of working abroad or going to college. Ever since we were kids, we’ve been preparing for our 20s. It’s like working toward an end goal, and all we wanted were the solutions or answers. But little did we know that our 20s wouldn’t be about finding the answers at all. If anything, our 20s raise even more questions. It’s like we knew more when we were 15 than we do now.

I always thought that my life would immediately become perfect as I grew into my 20s, but now I’m 23 and, as grateful as I am, I feel the messiness of life swirling around me. I feel the pressure of finding solutions and living up to societal expectations. I thought I would know who I am by now. Or what I should be doing with my life. But I feel like I’m still getting to know myself.

I realize now that my 20s should be less about looking for milestones and more about taking care of myself and figuring things out slowly and intentionally. After so many months of rumination and overthinking every little decision I made, I understood that I had to change my perspective on this era of my life. I had to change how I viewed this transitional period and accept that I still have time to mess around and figure out what I actually want. So I started making a list of things that would help me feel more relaxed and comfortable during this period.

Revisit Old Hobbies

Sometimes I feel like I’m losing myself and my identity, but the one thing that has kept me grounded and feeling more like myself is returning to my old hobbies. You need to go back to the things you enjoyed as a child or teenager. It can be picking up an old instrument or writing poetry again. If you used to be a film nerd, rewatch all your comfort movies. If you’re a sports person, go back to practicing that sport. You can draw every day like you did as a child. You can read and stay up finishing chapters like you did on summer nights. You can dance more, like you simply can’t help it.

I know that sometimes there’s barely enough time to practice those things, but we must make space for the hobbies we cherish. They are part of who we are, and they help keep us sane. Returning to your old nerdy interests could be the thing that saves you from the pressure of adulthood and brings you closer to your inner child.

Travel More

The older you get, the less willing you often become to try something new. You think you want stability, so you search for it everywhere: in partners, friendships, careers, and environments. But I believe stability should be the least of your concerns.

My favorite advice of all time comes from the wise Anthony Bourdain. He said that if we’re young, eager to learn, and in our 20s, we should move more. “Across the oceans or simply across the river.” If anything has the power to change you, to make you wiser, it’s travel. Seeing other countries and cultures can completely transform your perspective on so many things. You might even become a new person.

There isn’t a more surreal experience than being in a foreign country where no one knows you and you can unravel yourself more freely and honestly.

“Travel is not a reward for working, it’s education for the living.”— Anthony Bourdain

I always think about that quote from Bourdain, and he couldn’t have said it more beautifully. Travel teaches you about the world, yourself, and other people. It allows you to gain experiences you could never find in your current surroundings, while connecting you to worlds you didn’t even know existed.

Journaling and Pattern Recognition

One thing that has helped with my anxiety, and helped many other people in their 20s, is journaling. I find that it’s a way to unwind and actually process my emotions. I like to write everything down, even if it feels insignificant. Part of me does it because I never want to forget what my 20s felt like. I’d like to revisit this version of myself one day. Writing down your experiences and feelings every day also helps with recognising patterns. It helps you understand why certain things made you feel bad or where you keep going wrong in certain situations. You begin to understand more about your character and recognize the traps you repeatedly fall into.

Screwing Up and Changing Your Mind

You are going to screw up a lot in your 20s, and we need to remove the shame around that.

We always feel the need to get everything right by the time we turn 20. We assume mistakes come with heavy consequences and that every decision carries enormous weight. As a result, we live under immense pressure to be perfect. But now I know more than ever that this is exactly the time for screwing up and learning from every mistake. Changing your mind isn’t a death sentence.

You shouldn’t feel guilty for realising that something is no longer for you. Or that you want to try something completely different. I want to see my mistakes as things that had to happen in order for me to become who I truly am. I don’t want every failure to become an excuse to be hard on myself.

This is the time for making mistakes, getting back up, and learning to see things from different angles.

Figuring Out What You Want in Friendships and Relationships

One of the scariest parts of becoming an adult is losing friends or partners. We watch people grow and change as we grow and change ourselves. It hurts when we drift apart from people we love, but that’s a major part of the experience of being in your 20s. At some point, you will outgrow certain people. That doesn’t mean you stopped loving them. It simply means they no longer fit into the life you want to build.

Maybe when you were younger, some people seemed like the perfect company. But eventually, you realize that some people no longer meet your standards. And as you grow older, those standards become more important than ever. Figure out what makes you feel comfortable, valued, and happy in both friendships and relationships. Decide what turns you off from people and choose company that elevates your spirit. You’re at a stage in life where you can’t afford to be surrounded by people who constantly drag you down.

I think that when you begin your journey through your 20s, you should forget everything you thought you knew and start building yourself up again, step by step, by learning new things. Forget the fake urgency and constant pressure that have been planted inside you. Go out into the world and figure out what you truly want for yourself. There is so much more out there than the prison we create for ourselves by believing we should already be who others expected us to become.

Our 20s are not about finding the answers. They are about creating them. The thing about growing up is that it can be frustrating and freeing at the same time. You get to decide what your life looks like, but you also carry the burden of those decisions. That’s what worries most of us. But we have to trust ourselves more. We have to do our best with the paths we choose. Everyone will have different milestones and different versions of success, so there’s no point comparing your experience to someone else’s. You can only focus on your own journey. Don’t waste your 20s trying to be somebody else. And don’t waste them by being hard on yourself every day.

Photography Credits: Iris Law for Vogue Hong Kong February 2026 by Zoey Grossman