How to Survive a Crush: A 10-Step Guide to Not Going Crazy

Alba Leao

3 minutes ago

6 min read

A crush, by definition, is “a strong but temporary feeling of liking someone romantically”. But in reality, it is a peculiar kind of cruel experiment. Some would even call it a curse.

Like Andie Anderson in How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, and after being a victim of the crush infection for longer than I would like to admit, I decided that, in the same way she explains how to get rid of a man using the typical behaviours that women exhibit and men hate, I would create something like a survivor's guide for the girls who, like me, are more like Michelle. The subject deserves to be treated with the same importance we once gave the quizzes in our childhood magazines: with facts, science and, hopefully, a little humour.

First of all, you are not insane

The thing you are feeling is called limerence: an intense state of infatuation characterised by intrusive thoughts, emotional dependence and, most importantly, a powerful desire for reciprocation. The term was coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in her 1979 book Love and Limerence. According to her, limerence is a normal condition of human nature and significant to reproduction, productivity and even decisions that determine human history. Your brain might be capable of producing some remarkably dramatic reactions, but you are not crazy. At least, not yet.

Admitting that you are addicted is the first step to recovery

When someone craves a cigarette, there is not a single thing you can say or do that will make the craving disappear. A crush can feel strangely similar. The more you try not to think about the person, the more you seem to think about them. The science behind both experiences is quite similar, too, and apparently common to all. Shakespeare was hardly the first, or the last, to imagine that some external force could spark attraction, and the idea of a great, all-consuming, spontaneous love pervades folklore. Think about love potions or a dart from Cupid's bow.

The true reason is partly biological. Researcher Helen Fisher studied the brains of people who had intense feelings for another person and found activity in the parts of the brain associated with dopamine and the reward system. In other words, what you are feeling is the consequence of a very complicated cocktail of chemicals and neural activity. Crush-induced madness is one of the three basic brain systems that evolved for mating and reproduction and, according to her, can be “a positive addiction when it's going right, and a negative one when it's going poorly”. We should think about making rehabs for crush addicts.

Remember that uncertainty is fuel

One of the most important rules of limerence is that “the experience endures as long as the conditions endure”. By this, Tennov meant that as long as there is a possibility of reciprocation, the feeling can keep going. Every time an ambiguous message pops up on your screen, or an unintentional glance can be interpreted as containing some hidden clue, you will keep pining for that person.

This is why a crush can survive on the tiniest pieces of evidence. The whole experience depends, to some extent, on how you interpret the other person's actions. This is also the reason your friends may not be catching the same vibe you are. (But hey, sometimes that doesn't mean it isn't there.)

Don't confuse wanting with loving

Even though the brain systems responsible for mating and reproduction are primitive in the sense that they are evolutionarily ancient and fundamental to both humans and animals, the specific experience of romantic attraction is exclusive to human beings, says Fisher in her studies. In most mammals, attraction is brief, while in humans, the neural mechanisms are more developed, forming these passionate and obsessive episodes.

But attraction is not necessarily love. For Erich Fromm, love requires work, attention, responsibility, knowledge and understanding. Hate to be the one to tell you, but your coup de foudre (as the French say) might not be love after all. You can't love an idealised version of someone you barely know, but you can become extremely obsessed with the idea of them.

Don't lose yourself

You might suddenly feel the urge to change things about yourself. This is also normal. Fisher has written about the emotional dependence associated with romantic attraction in her studies: “They change their habits to impress and/or remain in contact with the beloved.” Surely you can think of someone, if it isn't you, who has taken a completely unnecessary detour to “accidentally” run into their crush.

There is an evolutionary explanation for this behaviour, too. Darwin distinguished between two types of sexual selection, through which members of one sex evolve traits that enable them to compete with one another or traits that are preferred by the opposite sex, both with the objective of finding a potential mate. By wearing a shirt featuring their favourite band, you are essentially spreading your colourful wings like a modern peacock.

Just remember that there is a difference between making an effort and redesigning your entire personality in the hope that someone notices you.

The more you can't have them, the more you like them

Passion and craving can intensify when reciprocation is thwarted or delayed. Helen Fisher called this phenomenon “frustration attraction”: the reason why you choose to obsess over someone who lives in another country, has a partner or is emotionally unavailable.

Even the ancient Roman playwright Terence understood this particular cruelty: “The less the hope, the hotter the love.”

You can just enjoy the ridiculous little buzz

A crush doesn't need to be dramatic; it can simply make life more exciting. Reactions to having a crush can range from putting a little more effort into your appearance to being more excited to go to work or actually paying attention to that lecture. Casual crushes can be fun, precisely because of the giggly feeling they create without the responsibility of having to take things further.

“What a simple pleasure a crush can be, a mysterious morsel that falls out of the sky like a meteor and makes everything brighter”, said Shanti Nelson, a columnist for The Guardian, about her midlife crush.

Even Vogue agrees, as Olivia Petter put it in her article Psst: It's Actually Fine to Have a Little Work Crush.

And we say so, too!

Don't assume you have to do something about it

We have an unnecessary need to solve everything. But some things, like crushes, are better left alone. Limerence can be transformed through reciprocation or transferred to another person, but there is also the possibility of simply letting the feeling exist.

A crush does not need to be consummated to be real. Sometimes, it's even better if it isn't. What a drag it is when you find out the person you thought was perfect is actually just a completely normal human being. No need to take the whimsy out of your life.

You don't have to get over it either

Even if your friends are tired of hearing you talk about that person, there is no universal rule saying you have to “get over” a crush by a certain date. It is entirely possible to live a successful life while maintaining a crush.

In fact, it can be strangely entertaining to organise different stages of your life around the people you once obsessed over: the high school crush, the university professor, the co-worker, the nursing home roommate?

Unlike Andie, you have more than ten days.

If you've never felt it, that's fine too

If you have read this far and realised that you have never felt this way, that is completely fine. You can like someone without becoming obsessed with them. You can love someone without experiencing limerence. And you can go through life without ever understanding why your friend has spent three weeks analysing a four-word message.

“Never being in this state is neither more nor less pathological than experiencing it”, says Tennov.

So, there you have it: your unofficial survival guide. The good news is that there is nothing to cure. You are not crazy, you are not necessarily in love, and you certainly do not need to do anything about it. You just have a crush.