If Setting Boundaries Makes Me a Bitch, Fine.

Chloe Esp

4 hours ago

3 min read

Everyone tells you this as you grow up. Be accommodating. Be understanding. Be patient. Don’t make it awkward. Deal with it. We’ll talk about it later. It’s not a big deal. You’re being emotional. Translation?

Shut up and smile. Please don’t make other people uncomfortable by having needs. Stop asking questions. Be respectful. Do as you're told.

But we’re never directly told, because that would be absurd. The message, however, is clear: if you want people in your life, be agreeable.

We are told repeatedly to know your worth. To set boundaries, never settle for less, love yourself first and them later.

The realisation is that we completely ignore this when it comes to love. But when things get difficult, should we carry on this act?

When you suddenly speak your mind, your emotions are raw, and you start saying no; they question why you’ve become difficult.

You remove the free access and become unavailable to the version of you they benefited from. Not all of them, thankfully. You know the ones I’m talking about. The ones that you kept discounting yourself to assist their needs and wants.

Self-respect is expensive; it’s a currency in relationships. The friend who only calls when she’s in crisis, but somehow her car insurance has run out when you need her. The family member who mistakes blood for entitlement. The partner who loved your fun side, but you’ve not been feeling so fun anymore.

Isn’t it funny how quickly “You’ve changed” becomes an insult. That is literally the point. Women are conditioned to believe being needed and likeable is a required personality trait. So we become experts in swallowing our feelings. We’re Olympic gold medallists in saying, “It’s fine,” while mentally drafting a resignation letter and watching our own candle burn out.

But playing by the rule book gets boring, and so do the people we’re doing it for. The truth is, self-respect often looks incredibly rude to people who were used to your self-abandonment.

Every puppeteer creates the illusion that they’re the master of the story, until the puppets start thinking and choosing themselves. The first time you say no without providing a twelve-slide PowerPoint presentation explaining why, people get confused.

When did we start needing to justify saying no? ‘I’d love to but…’ But what? No, but thank you for considering me. No, thank you for asking me. Simply just, ‘no’. Was I unclear?

That’s controversial.

We all catastrophise what will happen if we just let go? Let go of someone who’s fun, but unreliable. Someone who did that one thing for you, now expects you at their beck and call. Someone who’s been there for you, but doesn’t treat you right. Someone who loves you, but doesn’t deserve you.

Truth is, you will always wonder whether you were being too harsh, too selfish. You will grieve the good parts of that person, and you will always question if you could have done more.

The irony?

Reality is, sometimes choosing yourself is selfish. Good, healthy people don’t leave because you respect yourself. They adjust and understand your perspective; they take accountability for their wrongdoings, and they choose to change.

The point is, self-respect has an incredible way of exposing relationships. Not ending them. Revealing them.

It shows you who loved your availability and compliance. Who only valued you when you benefitted them. Who loved you purely for your soul.

Self-respect may cost you relationships, but the power of hindsight when you choose yourself is always going to be more delicious than the memory of saying ‘I should have let go a long time ago’.

Turns out losing people can sometimes be an incredible story in your own personal development. Something you’ll one day reflect on, and laugh about.

Explore the tension of being conditioned to be a ‘good girl’, because self-respect starts forcing you to abandon others. It isn’t actually a loss. It’s a refund.