Maybe Gen Z Isn’t Bad at Love. Maybe Everyone Before Us Just Settled.

Sophie Maskell
12 minutes ago
4 min read

New York Times bestselling author, philosopher and social critic Bell Hooks explores the notion of love in her 2001 book 'All About Love: New Visions'. Succinctly, she states that “love saves us only if we want to be saved”. For many children, their first introduction to the idea of romantic love is through film and television. When we’ve watched endless Disney princesses find their Prince Charming, is it really our fault that we may hold unrealistic expectations for love?

Members of Gen Z cite the male loneliness epidemic, the rise of far-right politics and increasing educational and career achievements among women as some of the reasons behind the so-called “love crisis”. Nearly every Gen X/Boomer marriage I have witnessed hasn’t strictly followed the traditional image of love often portrayed in films and media. With trends such as #ihatemybf and “swag gap couple” taking over social media, some members of Gen Z appear to hold negative views towards their partners despite being in committed relationships. Hooks explores critiques around the concept of falling in love:

“We continue to believe we are swept away [...] that we lack choice and will”.

This message is echoed throughout 'All About Love', with Hooks believing in love as an action rather than exclusively a feeling.

Countless news outlets have reported on the rise of liberal young women and the contrasting increase in conservative young men. In an age where many far-right politicians actively intend to remove human rights, fewer young people are willing to date others with differing political views. Arguably, this is the first barrier to Gen Z’s romantic and platonic relationships. As the internet becomes increasingly unregulated, extremist views dominate social media and chat forums, as seen in the rise of incel culture. The majority of Gen Z women find that, as they are no longer required to rely on men for financial support or to have a child, many men fall short of what they expect from a partner. At the same time, Gen Z men face romantic difficulties that many of their older male family members never did. Throughout her book, Hooks makes reference to previous male partners, often concluding that the relationships failed because the men involved were never allowed to love properly in a patriarchal society. At this point in time, while this struggle to show love may not necessarily be passed down from father figures, it is still highly present in the way young boys are raised.

Hooks states that:

“Most of us prefer to have a partner who is lacking than no partner at all”.

This emphasises the difficulties found across Gen Z’s romantic lives, particularly in heterosexual partnerships. This statement no longer rings true for many members of Gen Z, who see a relationship as merely an extension of life rather than something to achieve as quickly as possible. Fundamentally, most people are no longer willing to settle, instead searching for someone who truly aligns with their experiences and worldview. This can be seen throughout pop culture, with songwriters often expressing their desire for more than the “average” relationship. Olivia Rodrigo’s “expectations”, Sabrina Carpenter’s “Feather” and Chappell Roan’s “Casual”, among others, all explore this theme.

John Welwood, in his book 'Love and Awakening: Discovering the Sacred Path of Intimate Relationship', is referenced by Hooks in relation to his ideas of a “heart connection” and a “soul connection”. The former, he describes as an appreciation for those we love exactly as they are. In contrast, the latter relates to “seeing and loving them for who they could be, and for who we could become under their influence”. Hooks expresses the belief that the former is not a difficult process and is an intentional choice, whereas the latter is that feeling often associated with “true love” and is often unintentional and unavoidable. Both writers emphasise that any form of deep and meaningful love requires work and time from both parties involved. Returning to the example of Disney princesses, who often meet their Prince Charming and are immediately met with reciprocal heart connections, it is truly no surprise that many children develop naive views of love.

Many members of Gen Z are affected by mental health problems, climate anxiety and a general lack of hope for the future. Coupled with politics, the cost-of-living crisis and unemployment, many have reverted to more childlike hobbies or ways of thinking. This includes seeking comfort in Disney movies and other fairytales, where the “good guys” are rewarded through love and often financial gain. In this way, the ways in which love was presented to children are now being presented again to young adults.

This has a huge impact on the expectations of love for a whole generation of people. With many young people unwilling to date casually, and an almost equal number only willing to date casually, conflict is created.

Hooks describes love as a “commitment to constructive struggle and change”. For a generation overexposed to negative news and struggling to thrive financially in the way our parents did, constructing deep love can simply feel like too much work and mental duress. While love does take work, Hooks acknowledges that the word “work” is only associated with negativity due to the impacts of capitalism on society. In the same way that raising children is work, the work of love requires nurturing and mutual respect.

There cannot be love without a foundation of care and time. While a “spark” or connection may be instantaneous, creating a “soul connection” requires dedication. As Hooks puts it, “as long as we are afraid to risk we cannot know love”.