No, Instagram, I Don't Want to Follow My Ex's New Girlfriend.

Doomscrolling can take its toll on my mental health at the best of times, but when I’m hungover on a Sunday and still in bed, doing my best to forget about the rounds of tequila that definitely weren’t needed the previous night, the last thing I want to see is my ex’s new girlfriend, or indeed the woman he’s now seeing, pop up as a "Person You May Know" on my timeline.

The algorithm: a harsh reminder that I wasn’t chosen, that his new girlfriend is about ten years younger than me, and yes, she’s blonde.

Or better yet, it’s the girl he told you not to worry about.

Having access to this much information about someone else isn’t normal. Research into our online relationships has described it as "ambient surveillance," explaining the intimacy we continue to share with people even when we’re trying to move on, still consuming their profiles and being reminded that they still exist.

People online have noticed this toxic trait too.

On TikTok, one user writes:

"People You May Know," and it's literally the girl he chose instead of you.

Another writes:

"I need to know the logic behind 'People You May Know' because why are you showing me the person he may be sleeping with? We have way too much access to other people's lives.

A quick Google search makes it clear that suggested accounts are usually based on shared connections, mutual contacts, and common interests. Fair enough.

But suggested followers aren’t anything new. Years before Instagram became what it is today, and when Facebook was still the dominant platform, people would appear in our suggestions all the time and we wouldn’t think twice about it. So what changed?

As a society, we’ve never been as online as we are today, constantly posting, liking, and consuming social media as if it’s a full-time job. When we meet people in real life, we rarely exchange phone numbers anymore. Instead, we ask for Instagram handles, as though swapping numbers has become a level of intimacy we’re no longer comfortable with. The same goes for romantic interests. Whether we meet someone on a dating app or in person, we often search for their social media before agreeing to a date. Sometimes it’s curiosity. Sometimes it’s judgment. And, especially for women, sometimes it’s about safety.

But in this age of nonchalance, we’ve become obsessed with being online and being seen. We look for community through comments and stories. We get upset when our crush doesn’t reply to our thirst trap, even though they were "active" ten minutes ago.

And it’s gut-wrenching. You can spend weeks yearning over someone, only to realise they’ve started liking someone else’s photos and stories. Worse still, you know exactly who that person is because Instagram thoughtfully introduced them to you as a suggested follower.

Like dating isn’t hard enough, we are competing with each other for the affection of someone who’s carelessly breadcrumbing us and isn’t even giving it a second thought. What’s worse, though, is that we can see it all unfold on our screens. 

Now, when something ends, we still have access to that person. We can see who they follow, whose photos they like, and ultimately who they end up with. Breakups used to create distance. Now, unfollowing someone feels like a dramatic statement, so a quiet mute often becomes the compromise.

One user put it perfectly:

"It makes moving on way harder. Just when I think I’m on the other side, my ex-boyfriend pops up on my timeline with a new girlfriend, seemingly out of nowhere."

Muting people, a feature Instagram introduced a few years ago, is a godsend for those of us who don’t want constant reminders that certain people still exist, while still wanting them to know just how much fun we’re supposedly having without them. Older generations had it easy. When you broke up with someone, that was it. You didn’t have to watch them fall in love again.  With social media, we’re constantly reminded that our exes are still out there. 

So I guess they’ll just keep viewing my stories until the day I die.

Photo © @reneeebeller / @devininanewdress