Congratulations, You're Everyone's Type and Nobody's Priority.

Ashima Rani Singh

5 hours ago

6 min read

I am a social being through and through. I like talking to people, getting to know them, getting to know what they do. Over the last three years, I have noticed a pattern. A pattern that holds true across our lives, is multifaceted and is becoming more and more real to me year after year…

Have we lost our feelings about everything because it's not cool anymore?

I joined a dating app almost two weeks ago. Back on it, yeah, didn't want to, but I did it. The vibes instantly felt more stale than when I first tried it in 2019, but I stuck with optimism, and two weeks later, this is what I have realised.

Everyone wants to talk to everyone, so no one has to talk to anyone.

It is a numbers game, or maybe a validation game, because it feels like no one cares about the prompts or preferences on your profile. Most matches are based on photos, and most matches are a match just to be a match. Not a conversation. No one is interested in you because they just want to pass the time, feel a little less lonely and a little more validated. But loneliness is the result of an unfulfilled life, isn't it? And our lives are unfulfilled because we don't consciously fill them.

What I am experiencing is ghosting, faster than light, with conversations emptier than air. It is draining!

If you are reading this, I know you are drained too. We all are. But really, what is up? I took a step back to understand why this is happening. If this had been my experience with a guy, or two, or maybe ten, and it was just my experience, I'd have thought I was the problem. But this issue is so big, it feels like it's becoming a trend! As I said, patterns follow you across different aspects of your life, and that's how chaos is born.

Observation #1: Love Is Like Shopping.

The happiness we feel from getting a match is the same happiness we get when that little parcel arrives, when we buy something off Instagram, the “cha-ching” we hear when we put in our PIN or our OTP. The “Your order is confirmed” message.

Both love and shopping are driven by dopamine. Both have this feeling of anticipation; it's a hunt. And correct me if I am wrong, but the way we buy random things online, use them for a day or two and then forget about them mirrors how we communicate with people today. A quick dopamine fix, then a crash, and the object or chat just rots in a corner of your brain, or better yet, you forget it ever existed. So how many useless items have you got?

Observation #2: Comparison Is the Thief of Joy.

My sister taught me this, and well, it's stuck. We are living in times where everything is super blown up and transparent. You can see “A Day in the Life of a Billionaire” from your bed. Information that was never accessible to us before. Information we have no business knowing that neither benefits nor helps us. It makes us jealous, insecure, unhappy and competitive with people who are in a different race entirely. It is information, not knowledge, and for us, the line between the two doesn't exist.

Before Reels and social media, this was just news. Now it's in your face and brain like a worm.

So what do you do? You compare. Your job, your family, your friends, your face.

And the result? Dissatisfaction forevermore.

And as I said, patterns follow you. If you compare everything in your life to an influencer you don't know, chances are you'll keep on searching for better. You keep going “Next, next, next” for every person you meet, and your brain keeps saying, “You can do better!”, which puts you in a constant cycle.

We can say it doesn't affect us, but 95% of singles are on a dating app, so it affects you whether you accept it or not, and we are the reason the scene is so bad. We made it this way.

The question is, are we going to fix it? And the fix starts with us. I talk to a lot of people, but I rarely have real conversations.

Observation #3: We Have a Lot of Time… to Waste.

Another thing I keep hearing is “I'm too busy”, and I say, well, in this economy, who isn't? We all want what our favourite influencer has. We're drowning in mimetic desires, and we'll probably die fulfilling them. But have you taken a step back to ask yourself: what is it that you want? What will make you feel satisfied?

When I talk to people these days (friends not included), I feel like I am talking to an onion. I'll cry peeling back those layers, so I'll leave that job to a professional. I don't wanna talk to onions, man! I'd like to talk to a lily or a strawberry, something easy, no walls.

After talking to a lot of onions and shedding a few tears, I gave up, because I realised so many distractions have taken us so far away from ourselves that we've lost touch, and I empathise. I am no enemy to my fellow humans, just a bit angry yet hopeful that things will go back to normal.

When you're struggling to float, swimming becomes a struggle. When you're struggling to be happy, love feels like a war.

No one wants to date anymore because you're all Fauxsy (faux busy) or Mausy (mentally busy), because you are. You're so drained from a million things that dating feels like effort. When it shouldn't.

I have never heard a friend say they don't wanna date because they have a lot of office work, then have to do the dishes, the laundry and clean the house.

Everyone always says, “I don't have the time for it right now; I am exhausted. I don't wanna put in the effort. I don't wanna risk it anymore.” But really, underneath it all, it feels like hope is lost, your brain is exhausted, and your irritation levels have peaked.

Observation #4: You Need as Many Partners as You Need Sports Bras.

You know how you get that ad on Instagram and you TAP → add your size → then your card → and check out. Well, you didn't need that, but a new athleisure brand has just popped up, and the clothes looked cute, so you gotta buy them. And you forget it's called athleisure; no one is questioning why this term even exists!!! How are we combining workout clothes and casual clothes? Two things, two very different activities. Yet we're wearing the same clothes for both? How is that functional? And isn't polyester bad for the environment? Is this still cool, to care about the environment?

But anyway, we're all in this rabbit hole of options, buying and consuming, and it's our life now.

I saw the same behaviour on this dating app; people just want options. We all shop on Amazon, right? And if you've seen the documentary about it on Netflix, you know Amazon has instilled in us a sense of ownership before we even own an item, with Prime memberships and quick checkout.

You look at a product on Amazon, and before you can decide whether or not you want it, Amazon has sold it to you. All you gotta do is follow through on that feeling, so you do! In the dating world, people want options too. That's it! And I don't blame anyone because the capitalists have tricked us and won.

Observation #5: Do You Love the Life You Have Right Now?

You can't love someone when you don't love yourself. I don't mean narcissistic, selfish self-love, but the kind that makes you kind and considerate. It makes you bring people up rather than bringing them down. The kind of self-love so confident it calms others. When was the last time you walked into a room and felt it? When was the last time you spoke to someone and just felt light? I am trying to remember too!

I remember pre-COVID, when I went out partying, there was a sense of ease in the air. People were snobby, rude, fun, kind, all of it. But somehow, things didn't feel so personal. Now everything does. A message left on read. A match that disappears. A conversation that never really begins. We have more ways to connect than ever before, yet somehow, we're all feeling more disconnected.

And maybe that's the pattern I've been trying to understand. We're so obsessed with having options that we've forgotten how to choose. So busy comparing that we've forgotten how to appreciate. We want love without effort, connection without vulnerability, and someone to make us feel something without risking our own feelings. I get it. We're tired, distracted, overstimulated. A little Fauxsy, a little Mausy, and probably a little afraid of being disappointed again.

But maybe the problem isn't that there aren't enough interesting people out there. Maybe we've just stopped being genuinely interested in one another. It seems etween the swiping, scrolling and searching for something better, we've forgotten that the person on the other side is an actual human being. Not another option. Not another dopamine hit.

Just a person. Like you. Like me. Everyone wants to talk to everyone, so no one has to talk to anyone. Maybe it's time we actually did. Goodnight!