Why Are We All Performing Our Friendships Online?

Rose Hirst

Aug 13

4 min read

It’s common knowledge that when someone announces life-changing news on Instagram, they become a celebrity for the day. Possibly for the week. It’s their time to shine. But what’s less discussed is what happens next. Because the real performance is in the comments section.

I might have been the last person in the world to realise that those perfectly executed pregnancy announcements you see on Instagram are actually just digital templates you customise with your own surname and due date. I used to stare at them, dumbfounded, imagining the sheer cost and admin involved. The tiny white onesie screen-printed with “Baby Smith” in twirly calligraphy. The sheepskin booties roughly 100 times larger than the small clump of cells currently blossoming in the woman’s womb. The crafternoon spent arranging it all into an artful flat lay, like something from an interior designer’s portfolio.

A sprig or two of rosemary, laid just so. A smudgy black-and-white Polaroid of a foetus, much, much cuter than anyone else’s foetus has ever been.

Others opt for a different approach: a furry companion wearing a sign announcing it will soon be a “big brother”. No, they are not adopting another puppy from the same bitch. This is an adorable metaphor for the human baby about to join the family.

The poor, unsuspecting canine, smiling (can dogs smile?) with the dopey stupor of someone who has absolutely no idea they’re about to be relegated wayyy down the pecking order.

Remember that time you got a special dog cake on your birthday? Good luck with that going forward, champ. Then there are the proposal announcements.

A disproportionate hand, ring finger clad in a giant rock, looms large in the frame while the happy couple cower ecstatically in the background. A candid shot of a knee bend, captured at an artful angle by an accomplice hiding in the bushes like an army cadet.

Always accompanied by declarations of: “About time”, “Forever starts now”, or “I said yes.” And when these announcements land, something fascinating happens. Because on the internet, closeness is invisible unless you perform it.

Friends must now find a way to signal, swiftly yet subtly, that they are not just any friend. They are a VIF: a Very Important Friend. Someone who already knew. You have one sentence. Maybe two, to make this clear.

The stakes have never been higher. Rule number one: you must never, under any circumstances, use the acronym OMG. This would imply you’ve been taken by surprise. And no one wants to signal they were unaware of news they have, in fact, been privy to for much longer than all these non-need-to-know-basis peasants who’ve just found out on the internet.

A few tried-and-tested responses, concise yet crystal clear:

“Ahhh, so glad it’s finally out there in the open.”

(Glad all you plebs have finally caught up.)

“Eeeek, it’s been such a hard secret to keep.”

(I’m not only in the inner circle, I’m entrusted with classified information.)

“Congrats again.”

(The “again” is doing a lot of heavy lifting. Simple. Elegant. Devastating.)

“So happy for you both, still not over the proposal.”

(No room for ambiguity. I had front-row seats, obviously.)

“Still crying about this 😭❤️”

(I experienced this emotional moment in real time, thank you very much.)

“Can’t believe I get to be part of this journey.”

(Vague… but suggestive. Intriguing. People will wonder.)

…and finally…

“Can’t wait to watch you walk down the aisle as your maid of honour.”

(Casually dropping in a prestigious title. VIF final boss.)

These are not just messages of support. They are coded signals. A subtle but unmistakable flex: I was here before you were. Birthdays, too, have become an excellent stage for friendship performance.

Don’t let a stuffy old tradition stand in your way. Why should other people’s birthdays be about them when they could just as easily be about you? Armed with a collage app and a carefully curated selection of photos, ideally ones where you look incredible and they look… not bad, you can reframe the entire premise. Be sure to mention how long you’ve known them for maximum emotional leverage. “10 years of friendship” should do the trick.

Because this isn’t really a celebration of their day of birth. It’s a public celebration of your friendship and, by extension, you. If you’re especially close, don’t forget to casually weave into the caption that you’ll be celebrating together in person. The masses need to know.

But do you know who really makes me marvel in awe? The nonchalant social media user. No, they aren’t Amish. They do have social media profiles. They just don’t (get this!) post about big life events. So. Freaking. Chic. They are a rare breed. And that’s exactly what makes them so captivating. I have a friend so achingly cool she simply doesn’t announce these things. Got engaged? No post. Moved country?

No post. She’s so mysterious it hurts. If I haven’t spoken to her in a while and ask what she’s been up to, she’ll casually mention she’s been trekking in Peru, hiking Everest, or visiting Antarctica. I am left in open-mouthed admiration at her self-control. It’s almost unsettling, the idea that something could happen and simply… exist. Unannounced. Unperformed. No likes?

Just a life, being lived. Anyway, on that note, I’m off to think of some hypothetical Instagram captions for continents I will never set foot on. I’ve got some absolute zingers for Kiribati and Guam up my sleeve. You know, just in case.