We Sexualised Everything. Then Wondered Where Romance Went.

Everyone wants to be seen as beautiful. We women, especially, spend endless hours preparing ourselves to become the image of beauty. 

We shave our legs, we obsess over the cleanliness of our nails, the sleekness of our hair, we practice smiles in the mirror, we paint and sculpt our faces to perfection, and we nitpick the clothes on our bodies until we exist as a faultless shape— a portrait of beauty. 

And when we go out, we walk like models on display. Yes, it’s art. But it’s naive and incorrect to assume that we weren’t forced into these sisyphean “expectations of care” by a society that thrives on scrutinizing and disapproving female bodily autonomy. 

Shaving and waxing, anti-aging skincare, nail care, weight loss–all are horribly successful results of commercialized control over women's bodies, and they are effective because they contribute to a continuous effort of subverting femininity. We have to repeatedly recover from reducing ourselves into objects to be used or admired every time we see men drool over celebrities with the perfect tits and face and hair and voice and abs and thighs and ass and attitude and it’s all just blah blah blah.

Can you imagine the exhaustion and confusion young adults feel, growing up in a time like this? Young girls turn into experts at self-surveillance and grow up believing that their bodies are to be looked at more than they are to be adored and cherished by we who live in them. And men are told to believe that the only value women hold is something they can just take and collect like we’re all just prizes to be won. 

This idea of physical beauty being our main value has led to more harm than good—eating disorders, body-dysmorphia, low self esteem, and most of all, it has contributed to our society’s ever-growing attitude of over-sexualization and objectification. 

Now, it seems that we rarely expect to meet someone at a bar and just go out the next day; we expect to hook up in a couple of hours, or, we’re told that’s what we should want. We can’t dance with strangers while imagining no intention behind it, or strike up playful conversation without worrying about if expectations will escalate into something out of our control. 

This, this anticipation of physicality and often ill-intent, this is the attitude we hold towards romance today. It’s like a dating warzone, and what’s even worse is the cultural expectation that people who “really like each other” will share a sweaty makeout before they have a real and enjoyable conversation. We’re made to be paralyzed actors in the performance of connection; stuck imagining ourselves to be “above” reasonless affection and thriving in our distant, presentless interactions of performed passion. Now, I’ve got some questions: Who benefits from us thinking that way? Why can it not be normal to prioritize safety and comfort over an aesthetic romance? Did you know that you’re supposed to feel safe when you talk to someone, and not just scared or overly-willing? 

These questions may seem personally attacking, but this need to prove and give is a borrowed belief emerging from a controlled and image-obsessed society. 

Over-sexualization is rampant and real from all areas of our lives— we listen to Sabrina Carpenter, Chappell Roan, Beyoncé, and Meghan thee Stallion (which, shout out, all amazing women, but empowering to a point)  then we watch shows like Heated Rivalry, Off Campus, where sex is essentially a main plot. And I’m decisively not harping on exposure to the attitudes of men: comments when we walk down the street, uncomfortably long stares, and horribly accessible and never-ending pornographic content. Prioritisation of one's image is an exhausting mindset to live in and it enforces predatory behavior that’s terrifying for people with good intentions to navigate– from any side of the conversation. 

And just to clarify– this oversexualization of everything affects men too. But I’m here to give voice to women who feel stuck in a cycle of seeing themselves as undesirable or unworthy because they don’t feel “perfect enough.”

It’s so easy to fall into internalized beliefs that our only value is our body or the status we bring. The conversation of “de-centering men” is not a hatred towards men, but a burnt-out frustration with women prioritizing male-validation and values over nurturing a personal lifelong love for themselves. This looks like waiting to commit to a hobby, a taste in music, a sense of style, a way of speaking, even longer-term goals like careers and future aspirations–we have been told that we must put these all on hold because, perhaps, ambition makes us unloveable, and when we settle down for a family we’ll have to put it all on hold anyways.

We’re essentially waiting for this unimaginable acceptance from a society that has effectively reduced us to portraits or statues to be admired and then discarded. 

Women experience themselves through the eyes of men before we feel allowed to experience ourselves. 

The population of the world was born in the wombs of women, yet we’re stuck in cycles of reducing ourselves for the success of a system that will never make room for us to thrive. 

We all have become victims of a morally deaf and pleasure-saturated society. Such access to instant gratification has killed many people’s idea of lifelong satisfaction and fulfilment, in romance, too. But, as a young woman who wants to love living in this world, I ask that we all question ourselves.

I ask that we first question all standards of ourselves and for others, more specifically that we interrogate whether they are societal judgements in disguise. I ask that we explore how we can love living in our bodies and minds before we reduce ourselves and other people to objects that could “belong to someone.”  And here’s my last ask: that we align actions and intentions with what we need to feel truly cared for. And first, start with what you can provide yourself. 

If you expect your love and relationships to be devoid of ugliness, boundaries, and embarrassment. You’re not looking for love, you’re looking for a prized possession that feeds your ego-driven need for validation. And respectfully, you can fuck off and do some inner work before you consider leaning on a clueless and sexy stranger for those things. 

I refuse to live in a world that values immortalizing people as objects before we care for each other as real humans. 

Personally, I believe everyone wants to feel cared for and loved. I think that not every man is looking for a girl-doll to use, and not every woman wants to pamper herself to oblivion and have her only satisfaction in life be her “good behavior” and “easy-going nature” in relation to a man. 

We all need to face ourselves. We women need to love our imperfections, however many or few there may be, and find affection and contentment within ourselves before we look elsewhere. We all need to believe in a person’s value outside of what we give or take from them. Humanity has so much more to offer than a supposed sense of possession and validation.

We have become so obsessed with creating the perfect image of our lives that we forget there’s less and less time to live them. That’s why I say it’s time for a Romantic Renaissance, one that involves less portrait, and more genuine presence in our community. More curiosity, less judgement, more care, fewer assumptions. One where we stop convincing ourselves that love only exists outside of ourselves. We are the art, and the artists. So let’s make love again, everyone. Real love, this time. 

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Photo © Charlie XCX and George Daniel Photographed at Le Dive in New York City. / Charlie XCX Photographed by Richard Kern