"You Can’t Buy Me! But Also... Can You Afford Me?"

We say we want love, so why are we negotiating it…

There’s a conversation that keeps coming up lately, at dinners, in group chats, on socials, in passing comments that are half-jokes but not really…

“Women just want a provider.” 

“Men are scared of being used.” 

“Girls these days only date for money.”

And on the other side: 

“Men don’t want to invest anymore.”  “They want girlfriend benefits at zero cost.”  “They call you a gold digger the moment you have standards.”

Somewhere in between all of this, something real is getting lost. I spent the weekend with friends in Milan, talking about dating, and what struck me wasn’t just what was being said, but how certain everyone sounded. Like we’ve all silently agreed on a version of reality that no one fully questions anymore. Men feel like they’re being evaluated based on what they can provide, women feel like they’re being judged for expecting anything at all. And somehow, both sides feel used.

Scrolling through online conversations only reinforces it.

One woman wrote:

“I’m so tired of hearing that women want a provider. I have my own career, my own income, and I still get reduced to someone looking for a man to fund my life.”

Another perspective:

“Men think women are gold diggers, but most women just want someone who matches their effort and ambition. It’s not about money - it’s about stability.”

And then, from the other side:

“Why would I commit when it feels like I’m being valued for my wallet more than who I am?”

These aren’t extreme opinions, they’re common, and that’s exactly the problem. Because somewhere along the way, relationships started to feel… transactional. Not always explicitly, but subtly, quietly.

“What do you bring?” “What do I get?” “Is this worth it?”

And social media hasn’t helped, we’re constantly shown a very specific version of what a “good” relationship looks like: Luxury dinners. Trips. Gifts. A lifestyle. And the message, whether intentional or not, is clear: This is the standard.

So younger and younger women are growing up believing that being chosen means being provided for. That love looks like security, but also like status.

And men? They’re watching this too. And internalizing something equally dangerous: That they need to earn love through what they can give.

And this is where it gets uncomfortable, because when financial value becomes a central filter in choosing a partner… what are we really saying?  That love is conditional? That attraction is influenced by lifestyle? That a person’s worth is tied to what they can offer materially?

Or, more bluntly: That you can be bought?

Of course, it’s not that simple. Wanting stability is not the same as being a gold digger. Wanting effort is not the same as being transactional. But when financial expectations become the foundation instead of a factor, something shifts. Because now, you’re not choosing a person. You’re choosing a life.

And maybe that’s why so many relationships feel empty, haven’t we all seen it:

Couples sitting at beautiful restaurants, saying nothing, both on their phones, the setting is perfect, the image is perfect, but the connection? Nowhere….

So what are we actually chasing? Love? Or a lifestyle that looks like love? And on the other side, what are men protecting themselves from? Being used? Or being emotionally vulnerable in a way that has nothing to do with money?

Because here’s the truth no one really wants to say: It’s easier to blame “gold diggers” than to admit fear of not being enough. And it’s easier to demand “standards” than to admit fear of choosing wrong.

So we build filters. Financial. Social. External. All in an attempt to control something that was never meant to be controlled. But in doing that, we skip the most important part: Getting to know the person in front of us, without the noise. 

Without the lifestyle.

Without the expectations.

Without the performance.

Just… who they are. 

Because if you don’t strip that away first, what are you really building? A relationship based on alignment? Or a partnership based on convenience? And this is where it gets bigger than just dating. Because when people choose each other for the wrong reasons… They build lives on unstable ground. They build families on misalignment. They raise children in environments that were never rooted in something real to begin with.

And the ones who feel that the most? Are not the couple… It’s the children.

So maybe the question isn’t: Are women gold diggers? Are men too guarded? Maybe the real question is: Have we forgotten how to choose each other… without calculating what we get in return?

Because love was never supposed to feel like a negotiation, and the more we turn it into one… the further away we get from the very thing we’re all claiming to want.

Writer’s Note: 

This piece didn’t come from a single moment, it came from a series of conversations that kept repeating themselves in different forms in different cities...

Over the weekend in Milan, sitting with friends, I noticed how easily we spoke about dating in terms that felt… reeeeally transactional... Not intentionally, not in a calculated way, but in a way that has quietly become the norm. Expectations, roles, what someone brings to the table, what they should provide.

And I found myself questioning it, not from a place of judgment, but honestly, from discomfort.

Because I’ve caught myself thinking in those terms too, many times. Wondering what someone does, what kind of life they can offer, before fully understanding who they are. And at the same time, questioning what I represent in that equation.

On one hand, we want to believe we’re choosing from a place of connection, curiosity, and something real. But on the other… We’re all being shaped by a culture that constantly shows us what we should want.

A certain lifestyle. A certain dynamic. A certain version of success in a relationship.... and it’s hard to know where your own standards end, and where the influence begins. 

The idea is not to blame women, or defend men, I truly think we are all struggling. And it's important to recognise how easy it is to lose sight of what actually matters when so many external factors are influencing how we choose each other.

And if I’m truly honest, writing this was also a way of questioning myself. The way I perceive value, the way I define what I want. Because I don’t think any of us are as unaffected by this as we’d like to believe, and perhaps the first step isn’t having the “right” answer. It’s just being willing to ask better questions. 

Photos Credit @pinterest